Teddy's name: Lil Cindy
Age when sexually assaulted: somewhere between 6 to 9
Who assaulted Teddy: a male boarder
Town or State where the assault happened: Melbourne, Victoria
Teddy's message to the world: It hurts. It stinks.Its secrecy whispers down the decades, stories about self that I have believed to be true: it's my fault, I enjoyed it, I'm a wicked, wicked little girl.I will burn in the fires of hell. I'm dirty, shameful...who would want to love a rag doll? Not me-except that Lil Cindy loves me...very, very much. So maybe those secret whispers are what: voices embedded into my psyche- not from me , or Lil Cindy, but from him,,, a sick, sick man whose balls I'd love to feed to the dogs, but that's not socially acceptable, nor could I live with that brutality in my heart or mind. I don't want to perpertrate that abuse be it in any form as an expression. Even entertaining the anger, fury sickens me to the core and yet that weeping,ulcerous sore needs to be excised and healed. So what does Lil Cindy want to tell me. Don't give up on love. Lil Cindy is such a beautiful, shaggy teddy bear who smiles and smiles even when her heart is bursting with pain. Love is all and Lil Cindy has never given up on love...loving her beautiful shaggy fur, her tattered clothes- the marks of a life well lived. Her magic wand glistens, sparkles and shines-so no matter what or who has tattered her wings she sings her song of magic, waves her wand and viola- the magic whispers: Lil Cindy loves you so much , my precious , precious child,,,no matter what - Lil Cindy is always there for you. And sometimes to make me laugh she wears her funny sunflower hat, pulls out her sunflower cape, flaps her wings and off we fly above the clouds, the rains, the tornados that rock the self and we rest upon a fluffy pink cloud with Lil Cindy's friends and breathe the fun, the laughter, the joy and love that our imagination can create and paint and draw and sing. And when we're ready - we fly back down through the tornadoes, hurricanes and storms of life- refreshed renewed and filled with love. One day I may be able to don the cloak of sunflower happ iness and fly to Lil Cindy and my fluffy pink cloud of teddy bear love. Maybe with all my magic friends I'll be able to tell "him "how much he has hurt me. Maybe I'll be able to tell him how angry and full of rage that I have for him. Maybe on that day I will be able to look him in the eyes and say I no longer hate and despise you. No means No. Maybe I can say to him If eel very sad , very sad that the only joy you had in life was to sexualy abuse a very little, vulnerable girl- an innocent... a girl full of magic and wonder who loved life and who missed her nonna so much. She felt so alone in this new land without her nonna. You had no right to abuse her trust in you as an adult member of the household. Nor did you have the right to feed lies and sleeze into this innocent angel's little heart- so she just spent the rest of her life replicating this abuse in one form or another includinging abusing herself over and over agian to prove or even disprove that she was or wasn't that naughty, wicked little girl who the devil would burn in hell. No you were wrong, I am none of these and have never been any of these.My heart feels like it's breaking into a million shattered shards...the wasted pain of this my life, but with my special friends along life's journey and Lil Cindy...I forgive myself for believing your dirty, stinking lies. And I forgive you ... I cannot imagine how much you have suffered to behave in such a way...were you abused?? or were you born that way?? I don't know and I'll never know, but I hope that along your life's journey and if you are still alive I hope that you find your peace and the magic of Lil Cindy and all her friends. I wish you well on this life's journey. I forgive you and I forgive myself and my parents who refused to see and now can only be spoken to in spirit. But Lil Cindy will take my wishes to you all. And I know that Lil Cindy will always wrap me in her love, her magic sunflower cape and wings and whenever I feel too sad and despairing. I'm not alone and will never be alone while my Lil Cindy lives in my heart, mind and spirit. Her love can never be destroyed and will never be destroyed and with her laughter, fun and joy she inspires me to love myself and others no matter what... even when I feel I can't. She can and I'll let her. A beautiful sunflower to you all.
Age when sexually assaulted: somewhere between 6 to 9
Who assaulted Teddy: a male boarder
Town or State where the assault happened: Melbourne, Victoria
Teddy's message to the world: It hurts. It stinks.Its secrecy whispers down the decades, stories about self that I have believed to be true: it's my fault, I enjoyed it, I'm a wicked, wicked little girl.I will burn in the fires of hell. I'm dirty, shameful...who would want to love a rag doll? Not me-except that Lil Cindy loves me...very, very much. So maybe those secret whispers are what: voices embedded into my psyche- not from me , or Lil Cindy, but from him,,, a sick, sick man whose balls I'd love to feed to the dogs, but that's not socially acceptable, nor could I live with that brutality in my heart or mind. I don't want to perpertrate that abuse be it in any form as an expression. Even entertaining the anger, fury sickens me to the core and yet that weeping,ulcerous sore needs to be excised and healed. So what does Lil Cindy want to tell me. Don't give up on love. Lil Cindy is such a beautiful, shaggy teddy bear who smiles and smiles even when her heart is bursting with pain. Love is all and Lil Cindy has never given up on love...loving her beautiful shaggy fur, her tattered clothes- the marks of a life well lived. Her magic wand glistens, sparkles and shines-so no matter what or who has tattered her wings she sings her song of magic, waves her wand and viola- the magic whispers: Lil Cindy loves you so much , my precious , precious child,,,no matter what - Lil Cindy is always there for you. And sometimes to make me laugh she wears her funny sunflower hat, pulls out her sunflower cape, flaps her wings and off we fly above the clouds, the rains, the tornados that rock the self and we rest upon a fluffy pink cloud with Lil Cindy's friends and breathe the fun, the laughter, the joy and love that our imagination can create and paint and draw and sing. And when we're ready - we fly back down through the tornadoes, hurricanes and storms of life- refreshed renewed and filled with love. One day I may be able to don the cloak of sunflower happ iness and fly to Lil Cindy and my fluffy pink cloud of teddy bear love. Maybe with all my magic friends I'll be able to tell "him "how much he has hurt me. Maybe I'll be able to tell him how angry and full of rage that I have for him. Maybe on that day I will be able to look him in the eyes and say I no longer hate and despise you. No means No. Maybe I can say to him If eel very sad , very sad that the only joy you had in life was to sexualy abuse a very little, vulnerable girl- an innocent... a girl full of magic and wonder who loved life and who missed her nonna so much. She felt so alone in this new land without her nonna. You had no right to abuse her trust in you as an adult member of the household. Nor did you have the right to feed lies and sleeze into this innocent angel's little heart- so she just spent the rest of her life replicating this abuse in one form or another includinging abusing herself over and over agian to prove or even disprove that she was or wasn't that naughty, wicked little girl who the devil would burn in hell. No you were wrong, I am none of these and have never been any of these.My heart feels like it's breaking into a million shattered shards...the wasted pain of this my life, but with my special friends along life's journey and Lil Cindy...I forgive myself for believing your dirty, stinking lies. And I forgive you ... I cannot imagine how much you have suffered to behave in such a way...were you abused?? or were you born that way?? I don't know and I'll never know, but I hope that along your life's journey and if you are still alive I hope that you find your peace and the magic of Lil Cindy and all her friends. I wish you well on this life's journey. I forgive you and I forgive myself and my parents who refused to see and now can only be spoken to in spirit. But Lil Cindy will take my wishes to you all. And I know that Lil Cindy will always wrap me in her love, her magic sunflower cape and wings and whenever I feel too sad and despairing. I'm not alone and will never be alone while my Lil Cindy lives in my heart, mind and spirit. Her love can never be destroyed and will never be destroyed and with her laughter, fun and joy she inspires me to love myself and others no matter what... even when I feel I can't. She can and I'll let her. A beautiful sunflower to you all.
1 comment:
A beautiful sunflower for you oxox
Post a Comment
Out of respect for the survivors telling their story, all comments will be moderated to ensure they are supportive and kind in nature.
Thank you!